Interview with a Superstar
– Grae Phillips
VR: Who is Grae Phillips?
GP: Wow….Can anyone really answer that question in just a paragraph or so? Grae Phillips is a French /English Canadian. My Father was French, My Mother English. The name “Grae” was born on a camping trip when I was 17 and trying to hide from friends in order to have a private weekend. When it came time to register the camp site, we needed a name that wouldn’t be recognized and the name Grae popped out of my mouth. Soon after, it became my nick name.
Later when I was in New York City auditioning for an Off Broadway show, I used this nick name to register with. Later I changed my last name from La Liberte to Phillips. Phillips was much easier to pronounce. I hated hearing on the loud speakers at restaurants… “Mr. La La Birdie, your table is ready!”
VR: Where are you living these days?
GP: I live in a beautiful cottage, next to the river “Des Milles-Iles” just off the island of Montreal. Every day I hear a symphony of birds outside my windows, and the breeze from the river fills the house. I swear I am in paradise.
VR: I know this is a hard question, but can you tell us what your life has been about?
GP: Like so many others, it has been about growth and healing. I often thought that when we die wouldn’t it be wonderful if God showed us “The Ripple Effect” of our positive actions. To see what a simple word, a smile, or a listening ear might have done to change the course in someone’s life. I know many people who encouraged me and changed my life, without ever really knowing it.
At this point my life has dramatically been about “Finding the truth, and remaining there”. I was born into a family of which my father set the tone, and alcohol fine tuned it.
The tone was “Image is everything” and truth nonexistent. We had to fit his ideas of “His” perfect family; we were an extension of his ego; his possessions. He was a powerful and domineering man to a child, who basically pummeled his children into quiet submission. Not really physical abuse, although there were spankings, some belt lashes and the occasional wooden spoon. I shouldn’t really speak for my sisters, but I have seen his influence within their lives and choices.
There was very little communication between my father and I, most of the time it seemed that I got just looks of disgust and disinterest. This reaction from him towards me played a big part in the development of whether or not I felt like a worth while person. I did not fit the “standard” definition of a teenage boy. No football, no sports, no interest in cars, no successful girlfriends.
What he damaged in us, or specifically within me was my freedom of expression and dignity. Anything I did creatively was met with a condescending comment, anything feminine was met with disgust. There was no exploration, talk or discussion of ideas in our house. What my dad said went. Period. He loved his girls (I have 4 sisters), but I believe he couldn’t make heads or tails of what to do with me; I was an embarrassment to him. His singing dancing son…with long hair. He succeeded in breaking down the only other male in the family, me. I was powerless, made to feel inadequate and shame based. Adding to this was the fact that my father was a full fledged alcoholic, drinking heavily throughout his life. Most times he would not speak to me directly, but through my mother.
By the time I was 17, so much damage had been done that I had a complete nervous breakdown. It continued with panic attacks and anxiety for years. In the end my survival would depend on getting away from him and facing the fears that had been installed into me at a very young age…..femininity was one of them. I would have to find a way to heal my fears about being feminine and gay. True healing would only come when I could not only forgive my father, but change my perspective and view his actions as a gift, a gift that would play a huge part in who I would eventually become.
VR: When you were growing up and each morning you would look in the mirror did you feel that the wrong person was looking back at you?
GP: Never the wrong person, if what you are referring to is gender, I did not identify myself with either male or female. I was just a wounded human, confused about why I was not being loved, and trying to keep a strong front. I knew I was male, but was unlike all the males I knew. I had no desire to be female; although I identified with many tragic female characters in the movies…I would sit for hours in our small metal garden shed at the side of the house singing Over the Rainbow…and I swear at times when the elements were just right, I was Dorothy. :
(Condemned, innocent, lost, searching for a way home)
VR: Who was your inspiration growing up?
GP: I found solace in music. In the human singing voice. Nothing touched me as deeply as the sound of a beautiful voice. On my camping trips, I would escape to secluded environments and listen to cassettes of singers. I remember one summer swimming to the center of a lake where a tree had fallen and was floating. No one was around for miles. I climbed up onto the tree, I was out of breath and I lay on my back in the hot sunlight. I had Barbra Streisand album “The Way We Were” playing from the shore. Her voice shot across the water like crystal. As I lay there drifting, the music surrounded me, lifting, transforming, and inspiring me. She was a gift.
VR: Who do you admire these days?
GP: Actually, so many people. Anyone who gets it. People who are kind to each other and understand that we are all in the same boat, I admire. People who live their truth I admire. My family.
VR: Do you think you are a nice person or do you think you can be a bitch at times?
GP: I pretty much approach most problems from a kind angle, rather then a bitchy one. I don’t see the point. I believe that we are ultimately responsible for creating everything that happens to us, therefore I always ask myself what created this hostility or reaction. How can I defuse it? Kindness always wins out.
VR: Now that we have got to know you a little, let’s talk about your professional life, how did Grae Phillips, the female illusionist, come to be?
GP: I had auditioned for an Off Broadway show called “Taxi Dancer”. When the audition ended the producers pulled me aside and complimented my “unusual” singing voice. They set a date for dinner with me, (I was sure that I had won a part in their production), but halfway through the dinner they told me what they had in mind. Would I impersonate a female, and infiltrate New York’s Night Clubs? They felt that my voice was just feminine enough to pull it off.
I kind of chocked on my spinach salad, and freaked out. They nailed it. In that one moment, they summed it all up. The feminine fear! I had lost so many dancing auditions because I lacked the traditional “Masculine” traits, and this was devastating to me. I left the dinner, and I left New York. It would be a year and half later, while performing in Toronto that I would let myself think about what had happened. It wasn’t the first time my gender identity had been questioned, but I knew eventually I would have to face why this was happening and why it was so scary for me.
Almost two years later I contacted the producers and they flew to Toronto and we finally sat down and talked about the possibility. “No-one must know that I am a man” I argued. They said no problem. “I’ll sing like a woman and work as a woman, but it cannot be revealed until I say so.” No problem they said. I signed a seven year production contract with them.
VR: Do you get nervous when you are asked to speak to a group or perform on stage?
GP: Not really. I think often performers confuse getting excited with nerves. I certainly get excited to sing and perform. In the early days when I would get butterflies on occasion I had read a wonderful statement that said: the human heart cannot hold both fear and love at the same time. And it’s true when you think about it. You can only feel one of these emotions at any given time. So in order to push out the fear, you must let in the love. “A Course in Miracles” states that when you approach any problem from a love base rather then a fear base, miracles happen. So before each performance I sit quietly and feel the audience. I say a prayer with my dancers to let our joined presence lift both the audience and ourselves to a level of joy. Mistakes are immaterial, not important. There must be no worry, no concern, just the joy in giving and receiving what we have worked hard to prepare.
VR: Would you ever consider SRS (reassignment surgery)?
GP: My interest is to understand what is male and female in our natural state, if the world had not imposed its idea of how we should act and express ourselves.
I lived with my Grandmother for a summer while I was going to college. She went to church most days, and on occasion I went with her. One afternoon as I looked around at the congregation, (the average age being over seventy); I realized that most of these older people had let go of their strong male or female characteristics. They had in some way blended, and softened. The men were no longer displaying rugged exteriors, nor were the women overly feminine. They were dressed casual, comfort being the priority and in some ways, looked quite similar. Their need for strong gender definitions no longer seemed necessary.
Which leads me to believe that our exterior choices in dress and mannerism’s are really just a tool which tells the world how we wish for them to interact with us. At some point later in life it seems no longer necessary, as we have by then developed strong inner strengths to interact with the world, and gender definitions are no longer that important. I’m fascinated by this; I don’t want to succumb to what “they” have decided the world is all about and the best way for us to live within its structure.
So at this point, while I am young, I like the option of being able to switch genders when ever I want, creating the energy suitable for different situations.
VR: A lot of female impersonators have had plastic surgery to enhance their female persona, have you chosen this path or considered it?
GP: So far, no surgery. I don’t impersonate a “Celebrity” like other performers, Therefore I am not trying to look like anyone. When Creating Grae Phillips, I simply meditate on bringing out what I would like to be as a woman. I enjoy very much my male side, and would not want to feminize it in any way by using surgery to enhance the female. The balance is my goal. Also I love the challenge of making my life work exactly as it was given to me.
VR: Please tell me and your fans here, about your “how to” makeup CD and the other products you have on your website for sale.
GP: When I came back to Montreal, I was accepted into Concordia University’s Psychology program, in hopes of studying Gender issues. From there I moved into computer animation and 
multimedia. I had received many emails with questions of make-up and dressing and decided to create a Makeover Software CD that demonstrates all of the lessons I had learned over the years; many of which I wished someone had shown me earlier on… such as; creating the perfect foundation, and how to cover a beard shadow completely. Also wig ideas, padding, feminizing your voice, and a new section on creating a temporary face lift ( I’ve seen this alone take years off of people). It’s all put together in a light hearted fashion, because I believe the journey should be fun.
I’ve created as well a meditation CD called “The Dolphin Voyage” which is basically the guided meditation that I’ve used in order to strengthen my communication skills and self esteem. It’s also helped in finding my higher female, which ultimately is finding my higher self. Male and/or female. All the CD’s are on sale at my site and on Ebay. (There is a direct Ebay link from my site as well.)
Due for release this summer is a series of CD’s called “The Perfect Party”. Each CD will explore advanced makeup tips, a Perfect Party Meal, with atmosphere and dressing ideas. I will be as both Male and Female depending on which aspect of the CD requires that gender.
VR: Do you consider yourself to be transgendered?
GP: I’m transgendered in so far as I trans-journey the standard conceptions of gender. I am able to use both to enhance my life, as a means to express it, to make it exciting, and to learn.
VR: What do you think you have to offer the transgender community, anything at all?
GP: Well I hope that through my writings and my work I can give a clearer picture about what is natural gender, as opposed to what society has created for us, so that people can make the right decisions for them selves. If the world wasn’t so tough and opinionated, humans wouldn’t have the need to spend so much energy creating personas to go out into the world with. Each one of us would learn to be our natural selves in all of our uniqueness and beauty.
VR: Where do you see yourself in the future?
GP: I’m enjoying the creation of these unique products. I have a new show in the works that I hope to tour in 2006, as well as plans to open a Bed and Breakfast that caters to the community. Along with my partner who is a wonderful digital photographer, we hope to create a safe, relaxed environment, here in beautiful Montreal where girls can come to relax and have fun. The B and B will include three photo environments, Jungle, Romantic Boudoir, and the Medieval room; a photo shoot will be included in the stay. If all goes to plan, we will open 2007.
VR: Can you recommend us a motivating or inspirational book that has changed your perception about the world?
GP: During my time in New York, A friend of mine introduced me to “A Course In Miracles” A self- study program of spiritual psychotherapy. I was floored, instantly I began to relax. Although it is not always easy to understand, it is fascinating! There are so many inspiring books. I’ve listed my library with links to buy at: www.graephillips.com
VR: What words of wisdom would you give to someone who is reaching out for help?
GP: Step gently, and listen to your inner voice. Remember YOU are the most important thing. Your SURVIVAL is the most important thing. In time everything heals. Always try to see the larger picture, and not to be dragged down by the smaller thoughts of others. Reach out, take your time, how you think today will change as you grow. Read, chat, write, interact….relax…..pray.
VR: Do you have a final statement, for our readers?
GP: Always think outside the box (The standard human gender box). Keep in mind each of our lives is unique. We have a purpose, a right to life. We are also displaced in a time where humans are still quite primitive in regards to perceptions. Marjorie Garber from Harvard University said …”Gender is the last horizon, the last hurtle to embrace.”
You are a pioneer. Keep vigilant and safe. And above all, approach the world with Love.
NOTE FROM VICKI RENE:I am a very lucky person to be a friend of this wonderful performer, and more so, a wonderful person.I have personally seen this man put on workshops for other want-a-be performers, helping anyone that asks. I think my favorite memory with Grae was one late night in late September, in Atlanta, Georgia. We sat on a patio of a well known hotel there with a table full of people, telling one story after another, hell I think we almost saw the sun come up that next morning. To this day I still get email from people that sat with us that night, reminding of what a great time it was listening to both Grae and I talk of times gone by. Thank God you never loose the good memories!
